You’re Worth the Right Choice

Have you ever felt like its coming at you from all sides?

Exhausted gif

That is my life right now, be it work, classes, family, relationships, finances, moving… its all about to crush me into dust.

My aunt text me this morning telling me she loved me. Nothing weird… then she asks if I’d talked to my little sister (who just graduated high school last night.) Apparently, my mother had shown up at graduation higher than the empire state building (on pain pills), and effectively ruined the whole thing. I couldn’t be there because of work, and it being three hours away, but none the less I felt horrible for my sister.

All I could tell her was that our mother’s decisions are no reflection on us. That I loved her. That we are strong girls to have survived a childhood like we had. That we will always be there for each other, and our little brother (whose only 9) going through exactly what we did. She is not our responsibility–our only responsibility is to ourselves first and foremost. Everything else will have to fall inline because there is no way to help someone who wont help themselves.

I’ve told you before, I don’t have parents. I have a biological mother, yes, but she’s not fit to be responsible for herself… let alone the three other human beings she’s produced.

Sorry this one isn’t flashy, or funny. But its real. Drug abuse has been in my life since I was born, and its not going away any time soon. It makes the life a child harder in every single way possible, but if you are going through something similar: know you can make it, if you just don’t give up. Know you’re worth it, even if your family member chooses drugs over you. Because your life is worth living, especially when you make the right choices despite of all the wrong ones around you.


Quote of the Day:

Control

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4 Methods to Handle a Breakup Well (as told by gif)

So as you’ve might have gleamed from posts this last two weeks or so, I’m going through bit of a rough patch in my love life. I’d like to say that I normally don’t respond this poorly to a break up, but in reality, all break ups are different and can be handled differently. I.E.:

life sucks

As a reminder to myself, as well as maybe some ideas for you to try, here are my 4 Methods to Handle a Break-Up Well (as told by gif, of course.)

1. When you first wake up, it takes a few seconds to remember why you have this sense of foreboding. I’ve trained my morning process to immediately start by saying ,”no” to the negative thoughts that will try to come racing into my head. Just keep repeating NO, NO, NO until you can find a proper distraction. (the app 9gag is one of my favorites.)

 waking up

2. Dates, dates, and more dates. Its easier to move on when you know you have plenty of options. Some times you might feel like, “no one wants to date me” or “I don’t know anyone” then resort to facebook creeping friends you don’t know well enough (that are single, duh). Or tinder, the “hot new app” for finding singles in your area. (this is a judge free zone, I remind you.) Last resort: repeat dates from guys/gals that didn’t work out before. Second chance, ya know? Just keep your self occupied!

 like a tree

3. This might be a given, but I’ll say it anyway. Distance yourself, or even better, cut yourself off from the person you’re getting over. Its 9 trillion times easier to move on when you don’t have a text message you’re waiting on, or over-analyzing every single detail about their behavior or words.

X cut off

4. Lastly, just simply know its going to get easier. Because it does, I swear to you on all that is holy, it will get easier if you make sure you’re treating it in a healthy way. A wound wont heal if you don’t keep it clean, mind you. Eventually:

 no power

I really hated using only 4 methods (such an odd number) but I couldn’t think of fifth worth sharing, and this post is getting long enough as it is. Everyone, have a good night, and if you happen to know a revolutionizing method to handle a break up that I don’t know, for god’s sake post. </3


Quote of the Day:

you'll make it

bleck.

I feel like poop, guys. Why does it seem that the flight to somewhere is always better than the flight back?

Take it black

(This is a reference to a movie in case you don’t get it…)

I feel like my head is waterlogged and I’m ready to pass out at any moment but first let me tell you about my first experience with my internship.

So the 27th was my first day at the store, then they had me flying out to Charlotte, NC. (Airlines are some of the biggest dip-shizz I’ve ever seen with their whole liquids restrictions. REALLY, a girl with long, CURLY hair like mine requires many a product to maintain.)

Long hair

Me in Charlotte!

There was two other girls that flew with me, and as well as my district manager. Let me say, he absolutely scares the hell out of me. His personality, his appearance, his voice, everything about him makes me feel like if he ever yelled at me, I would break down then and there–probably run away, never to be seen again.

sob

The girls were okay, except for one… I took some pretty mean snap chats of her, but because she’s a fellow student I wont post them. :\ Though I really wish I could…

not even sorry

Anyway, the trip was almost a waste of time. I barely had a free moment to myself, and they had us on the evening flight out the next day. I’m still excited to be with the company, but this headache from going-going-going better be worth the $14.50/hour pay, let me tell ya.

I'm poor gif

Oh and I still feel like my heart is going to die in chest, so I have that going for me. Yay. Good night everyone! SLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.


Quote of the Day:

Worth it

Crying on a plane… New Low. (High?)

Bad pun. Terribly sorry.

This message is brought to you by Katie: sad, heartbroken intern that has everything in the world going for her and she can’t stand it.

I feel like the lowest of the low. Have you ever felt bad for feeling bad? Seriously. New car. New home. New job. And I’m crying on a stupid airplane because I let another person contort my emotions to the point of tears. How stupid can a girl get?

wtf

“Well whatever” says the ex that is going to be in Louisville, KY and didn’t bother to tell me. To boot he’s not the least bit perturbed that that day he’s back happens to be the day I’m in Charlotte, North Carolina. I think that sends a pretty clear message, don’t you?

today uscks

So why am I still clinging to the hope it can work out? Why haven’t I broken those connections? Its because I’m not winning. Let me tell you, I’ve started moving on from this guy many times over. I go back because I accept the apology, not because I have to. But this mother-heffer is the one that effectively dumped me, so what does my heart tell me? Sob. Cry. Feel broken. Because you’re the loser. How messed up is that?

Lily

Yeah…

The psychology behind these emotions sickens me, because I’ve been fine before, when we’ve fallen out. But being blindsided, and being left behind has uprooted my senses and has caught me so off guard I’m not able to right myself. Tonight should be one of the most memorable nights for me, and I’m held down by a leaden chest.

Preach it Snape!

Preach it, Snape.

So what can I do? I can keep telling myself things, repeating it over and over, logistically. But there’s that nagging, stupid, ugly voice that keeps whispering that it could get better with him. But I’m alone, and crazy, and really want to adopt a cat.

heavy breathing

I guess its time for a rebound… everyone have a great night while I lay in bed on tender, searching my soul for dignity once more.

For your further amusement: 15 Gifs to help get through a break up.


Quote of the Day:

dwelling

I’m like the female Harry Potter… only much less cool.

So here comes another glimmer in my life, everyone.

who am I

If someone asks me who my mom is, or who my dad is, I can give them a name or two. Technically, being adopted, I have two sets of “parents,” really. But if someone asks me, in the correct context, “tell me who your parents are,” I would tell them I haven’t got any. Drugs and bad life-decisions took my parents from me.

uhmm

Sorry if that’s a bit awkward.

My family forced my mother to give custody to my paternal great-grandmother right around the time I started kindergarten. She was almost completely nonfunctional, living in a bad apartment complex, that was known for murders and druggies. It’s surprising that my little sister and I are still alive since would often “sneak out” and go play on the complex’s playground, completely unsupervised while my mother slept until 1 o’clock in the afternoon. To boot, she was dating one of the biggest drug-ring leaders in the city, who is now in jail for cutting the throat of a man who was trying to save a girl he was savagely beating in a parking lot. Oh, and Dad was MIA.

awkward

When I was given over to my dad’s grandmother, they told me my mom had gone on vacation. It was confusing, but otherwise I can’t remember most of that time other than a few snippets here and there. I was then raised by an emotionally stunted witch of a woman for 15 years, who at some point “adopted me” so she would get a check each month. She spent it mostly on QVC.

JT stare

After moving out when I was 17, I had already gotten my full-ride scholarship to the University of Louisville and was biding my time until I could head off to college, three hours away from the woman who had made my life a living hell for most of my growing-up years. The hardest thing to leave behind was my cat I’d gotten when I was nine: Ittybitty. 😦 He passed away last year, before I got to say goodbye.

Ittybitty11

My mother has been in out of rehab/jail for most of my life, and the woman that “raised” me passed away also, earlier this year. My father, on the other hand, is currently a 40-something year old living with his mother, and is of no importance to my life–and hasn’t been since probably the 5th grade.

All that being said…

I don't work right

 


 

Quote of the Day:

selfish

 

I couldn’t help what I was born into, only my own decisions & I chose my happiness to be of the utmost importance.

Doctor Who? More like Doctor Boo.

My apologies for that awful title.

So, as I’ve hinted in my previous entries, I get wrapped up in several shows. (current tops are Game of Thrones, Reign, and Once Upon a Time.) But it just sucks when your best friends are completely immersed in a series that you have zero to little interest in. Doctor Who has been my friend Jesi’s obsession for the last semester. Seriously, I can’t even get on my pinterest feed with out it clogging up every page.

Really

If you are not well versed on this crazed-series, let me give you a quick run down: This alien can time travel in a “space ship”, generally has a “companion”, and goes about in time just stopping when ever something “weird” is up. (Quotation over kill, I know.)

air quotes

So I have episode 9 (I think) on as I write this. My classmates/group partners are also “Whovians” in that they are pressuring me to just make it through this two-part episode for me to see the light… This is my third time restarting the episode because I can’t pay attention.

slow blink

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be crazed-obsessed with it. I love finding a new show to binge on when times get tough–I need the distraction. This should be perfect for me. But… I don’t know, something about the horrible 2005 acting is just sad. (Lets get real: it’s British 2005 television which makes it America in 1990.)

house gif

I’ll keep you posted, restart this thing over for the fourth time and see where it leads. Fingers crossed!


Quote of the Day:

Breathe

Screw Heartache

Today’s blog is mainly for those trying to deal with matters of the heart.

( Fast Update: Ex-BF left for his job that moved him last minute across country, meaning our plans to try and re-build are shot. That’d be understandable, except his opinion is to grow apart permanently. His chosen method of doing that? Not speaking to me at all. Cool. )

The heart is such a petty, fickle, stupid thing. I’d be better off being a-sexual, and adopting cute, chunky little babies on my own.

Laughing baby

Do you ever feel like your family has undermined you? I kind of blame them for my lack of ability not give a flying flip about a man. Of course, being raised in a matriarchal-facade where the women “run the show,” except can’t stand on their own two feet with out being supported by a man kind of does that to you. They fall to pieces when they find themselves in an unhealthy relationship, and when it goes sour, rarely stay single for more than a week at a time. Find love, run them off, and the cycle repeats. They are incapable of a health single-hood.

And of course media doesn’t help in the slightest. Books, movies, even songs are completely warped in the idea of “you can’t live with out them” bull. Its pretty much horse shit. (sorry Merkel) I read all sorts of fairy-tale centered love stories, and listened to the country music, and watched the romantic comedies and I’m pissed about it.

BUCK UP, LADIES! Everyone, for that matter. You’re only as happy as you allow yourself to be and while people enter and leave your lives every day: Pick those who will pull you higher, and those that drag you down: cut off.

I’ve started moving on from this guy a few times over, and keep handing out another chance. He has until the weekend… and if he still has chosen to find my friendship, my involvement in his life to be of such a lesser need than everything else, well… Its going to be a complete transition. Facebook? Blocked. iPhone? Blocked. All contact is going to be removed. Because its time I moved the heck on if this is the chosen path.

Love yourself first, and foremost. It’ll get lonely, and you’ll feel hopeless. Allow yourself one good, hard cry and then demand of yourself not to shed another tear. When it gets hard, remember it wont last forever and it sure the hell wont matter in the years to come.


Quote of the Day:

Don't Chase

7 Stages of Moving as Told by GIF

Craigslist is sketch, guys, let me tell you.

wierded out gif

I’m currently moving from my spacious, furnished, $750/month apartment to a small house a little ways off campus. So far I’ve been lucky– the house is adorably quaint, my roomie is nice enough, and I found a comfy futon for only $85 (mattress and all–YAY GOODWILL!). My current conquest is finding a dresser online (via craigslist) as I’m downsizing from a walk-in closet to a hole in the wall space.

As a college student, I’ve moved 6 times in the last 3 years. This is going to be my lucky number 7, and below you’ll find my stages of moving as told by gif:

Stage 1: Anxiety of finding a house.

Panic

 Stage 2: Hype after finding a house, ready to be moved into.

Born Ready

Stage 3: Denying and/or ignoring that you have to actually pack in order to move.

I haven't the faintest idea

Stage 4: Anxiety once you’ve waited to the last minute to pack.

Going to die

Stage 5: Do it All in One Day

Battle

Stage 6: Exhaustion after you’ve some how managed it (however poorly executed).

take a nap

Stage 7: False pretense of saying you’ll never procrastinate anything, ever, again in your life.

shake head gif 2

I’ve been blessed with some amazing friends that help me anytime I’m of need, and one of them is Dakota! Check out his blog by clicking here. (He’s also in this class!)


Quote of the Day:

estimation

Love you guys! Thanks for reading and wish me luck!

I want to put a strain of obscenities right here.

So it’s Sunday morning and I’m try not to sob like a little bitch.

Crying

My ex. Well… last time I posted, we were going to have a date night. I could tell he wasn’t all there during the date, though, and I was pretty pissed about it. Turns out, he was preparing to drop a huge bomb on me.

Bomb gif

See, he was going to leave to work in Houston, TX. Two weeks on, two weeks off. We were hoping to use that two weeks off to rebuild our relationship. Well apparently Thursday, on his way to Louisville to see me, he got a call from his boss’ boss. He is being relocated, fully to Reno, Nevada… not on rotation. What does that mean? That means everything we had been talking about this semester was now up the creek with out a paddle.

Eat Pray Love gif

It may have been the way he approached it, but to me, this was probably some of the most heart breaking moments with him, that I’ve ever had. Because we are so tired of doing long distance. (We dated for about two years while he was at another University getting his degree.) Right now, he doesn’t want to try to “date”, and while I want to at this moment, I know its not a good idea. He says it can be 3 months, it can be a year, then they’ll relocate him somewhere else. (With the “possibility” it will be on rotation)

Dating gif

I’m going to miss him like crazy, guys, but even more so–I am so scared. He has been the person I’ve been the closest to for the last three years. I really don’t want to lose him so suddenly. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.Its even more worse because I’m the only one in the situation thats sad about it. How can he be? He’s starting a new adventure, his career. While I’m the debby downer being left behind.

allergic to jerks

I just have to tell myself this is like a blink of an eye. A year, even two, in the span of a lifetime is nothing. Its going to be okay. He and I will still talk. I’ll be crazy busy with my life (classes this year are going to be a B) and maybe at the end of the road, we’ll find a way to make it work. It might be like we’re paying the toll for our future happiness. Get through the hard years, and eventually it’ll get easier?

There, there

Sorry this ones a little longer/more depressing. I’ll try and find the spunk to make the next one crack you all up. Thank you for letting me open up to you about this, and I think it helped to see it in front of me. Now I’m either going to sleep my sorrows away, or watch Game of Thrones. I haven’t quite decided.

Akward

Try to have a good day everyone!


Quote of the Day:

Love it

(I’ll try and bare this in mind for a while.)

Ick. Just…ick.

Dating is overrated, guys.

Eyeroll

So I had a lot plans last night. I was going to get off work (an hour early) to get ready for a date. Then after that date, I had an ex boyfriend that I agreed could spend a few days at my apartment seeing as his flight leaves out of here on Sunday for his first big boy job.

Well my intentions were to have a blast on my date, then come back and probably fight with my ex. (He and I don’t see eye to eye on much.) Neither of that happened, though, surprisingly. Instead I was effectively “stood up” by my date.

Frown gif

He claims his phone wasn’t working and that he was outside my apartment’s building for an hour waiting on me. While that is possible, there were many other smart options than just sitting around thinking I’d wander out. (Go find internet and facebook message me, for one. Its really not that difficult to find internet near a college campus.) Note that we hadn’t spoken at all that day, instead discussing the time and place the night before. To his credit–we’ve been out a couple times. If you stand a girl up, I’d think you’d do it the first time. Not the third.

shaking head gif

Feeling pretty dejected, but still looking smoking hot for a date, I decide to get lo mein for one and wait until my ex showed up. There soon after he arrives, and while awkward at first, becomes normal and comfortable. I was surprised. We spend a couple hours just talking, end up watching something on hulu, sharing my, by then cold, lo mein. He still slept on the couch. But still, no fights as of yet. (I’m not ruling out tonight though.)

neighbors 2

We have plans, after I get off work, to go get Wick’s pizza and check out the new movie the Neighbors. I have to say I’m really excited for it… Crossing my fingers it doesn’t turn sour. Wish me luck, guys! And have a great evening yourselves!


Quote of the day:

bad decisions

*Probably appropriate for today’s blog.